PURIM SHPIEL 2006 - Fully Typed!

I typed this up since it's not as bad as it seemed. It's more complex, with more dialog and action than last year's shpiel, but it was acted pefectly, or as Moshe Simon said, “that was seriously the worst purim shpiel i ever saw”. It's typed with very slight modifications. I put some direct quotes in quotes, and put in a few endnotes to clarify some parts (though u still have to get most of it).

This shpiel was ok'd by RR before being performed, so i assume its ok for the blog.

PURIM SHPIEL 2006

Performed live in the Soday Beis Medrash on Purim Night

Scene One (intro) - Ruvy Shmelczer visiting NY, 1979

(Enter Ruvy holding bottle of water, and Josh Weiss with shirt untucked, sweatshirt with logo and hood, and an Israeli Hand band)

Ruvy: Cucumber! Why are you wearing the band of the Resha'im-fools?!

JW: Dude, do you have problems?

R: Pickle-face! Did u read “perfidy”?

JW: Well, the rav says its ok.

R: JB?! He's a cucumber! Take it off now!

JW: yo man where r u from anyways?

R: Chicago

JW: what school u go to?

R:Beis Yakov

JW: [laughing] u go to beis yakov?

[Ruvy splashes JW with bottle of water.]

R:Shmelczer will never tolerate cucumbers!

Scene Two (intro) - Many years later in soday

(R' Shmel by shtender, two kids by table.)

R' Shmelczer: Pickles! It's assur to say that! Take a break now.

[kid takes out music and begins listening to it. Thingamijig begins beeping. Kid puts away music as RR enters]

R' Rubin: [looks around] “the rashi test is through shlishi” [leaves]

Other kid: How did u know R' Rubin was coming?

Kid: with this RADaR detector

Other: Hunk? Radio Detecting And Ranging?

Kid: No. RADaR – R' Avrohom Dovid Rubin detector.

Other: How does it work?

Kid: R' Rubin carries around a special device which sends out signals to detect people talking about him.ⁱ The radar detector picks up those signals and beeps.

[Kid resumes listening to music. Radar detector on table begins beeping. RR walks in and sees music. Confiscates music and takes radar detector too.]

RR: “It's assur gomur! Assur!” [glares, (but grins slightly after turning) pockets music, but can't tell what radar detector is.]

RR: R' weiss, do u know what this is?

RW: I'll take a look at it R' dovid. [RW takes radar detector from RR and pockets it.]

Scene Three – In the Future at Styrofoam cups inc.

(RW by door, minch and shweidel right outside, karch with broom nearby)

CEO r'weiss: Baruch Hashem, its time for a meeting.

Schweidel: Oh no, its going to be so boring, his children are more interesting than him.

Minch: [cough-laughs] I don't want to go now.

RW: “everybody come on in, the water's warm.”

[no one goes]

RW: “30 seconds, [waits a few seconds] 20 sec. 10 sec. 5 sec. 4 – 3 – 2 – 1. I'm closing the door.”

[as he closes door, e/o comes, karch comes in last. e/o sits down at meeting table]

RW:A long time ago, i used to run a school. Our policy was to minimize any potential learning a kid might do, so it didn't do too well. Also, all the teachers moved to florida. The final blow was when we ran out of foam cups. We had already ran out of plates and bowls so we were using cups for e/t. When they were used up, the school closed down. B/c of this, i decided i would start a foam cup company.ⁱⁱ

Schweidel: “I would accept that from u, if i knew u had a life.”

RW: [bangs hard 5 times] Shh! I have a life, I'm able to breathe (hee).

Styrofoam cups inc. has grown and grown and now has only one competitor: FoamCo. Later in the meeting I will reveal my plan to take over the Foam cup market completely. But now for the kenas scorecards. [hands out scorecards]

Minch: [in minch scream] “That's really not right now.” I shouldn't get a $5000 kenas now. What's wrong with saying now now?

RW: (facetiously) all of a sudden, we can debate now?

Schweidel: “You must have been born on the 11^th day!” I can't get fined for that. u also say bad lines! And $10 each? I could buy a car with that money!

RW:Maybe that's what I plan on doing [hee]. But now another important matter. People have not been cleaning up after themselves so I asked janitor karch to speak to us about cleanliness.

Karch: “I'm good.” I'm the best janitor. I clean b/c that's what i believe in and boy, do i clean well. I was once a CEO myself but money isn't important to me, cleaning is. I was once a teacher too, but i quit b/c i wanted to clean.

Schw: didn't they fire u after that court case, when u were sent to jail?

Karch: umm.. maybe, but that's not the real reason. I clean b/c that's what's important. If i wanted money, I could have it. I'm a great poet. One day, ur great grand-kids will be reading my poetry in school and they'll ask u how i was as a person. Make sure to tell them that i was a baseball player. I was the fastest one ever. It only took me 7 seconds to get around the basesⁱⁱⁱ. S/o clocked me and y would he lie? “But I'm the kind of guy who doesn't talk about the things i do, u just kind of find out as i do them.”

[karch sits down]

RW: thank u karcher, i hope n/o will leave any messes around anymore. Minch will now tell us about our expenditures.

Minch: ok now, so 10% of our costs go into making cups now. That's 10% now. Y do people buy our cups now?

Karch: b/c –

Minch: don't call out now! C'mon now. That's not right now and now i have to interupt now.

Karch: but –

Minch: It's not up for debate now! That's really not right now. And now i have to stop now. And now we waste more time now. So y do they buy our cups now?

[Schweidel raises hand and is called on]

Schweidel: b/c they're stupid. (said seriously)

Minch: right, or... [moves around arm in more gesture]

schw: b/c they have no personality.

Minch: right. Put that in ur notes now. They buy our cups b/c they're thirsty now.^iv

Anyways, we spend 40% of our budget on air-conditioning and heating bills now since touro pays for it anyways now. 20% pays for trees and the holes in the ground now. We also spend 20% on research and advertising now. 10% i ommited now.

[minch sits down]

RW: Now it's my turn to speak. [karch gets up and gets his broom. Rw continues.] we've been losing a lot of the market to FoamCo and we're stuck in so much debt we can't even budge-it. [rw hee's while others groan.]

but baruch hashem, i found a solution. you pour it on the cups – [hee] i mean a solution to the problem. A new type of cup- the perfect cup. It will destroy all the competition. [takes out an inside-out cup.] Here it is. FoamCo would give a million dollars for this cup.

[Rw suddenly is startled. Reaches into pocket and pulls out a beeping Radar detector. Stares at it.]

RW: what, that means r' dovid of FoamCo is here!

[RW shuts off radar detector looks around. RR enters through window. (Rw is in shock) minch gets up to block RR, RR pushes him (in slow motion) out of the way. RR takes the cup (breaking shelf) and tries to escape. Karch blocks his way with broom in middle of room.

Karch: The same guy who picks off runners going to second is the same guy who'll flip u out the –

[RR blows karch out of the way and continues running. RW (who woke up from shock) picks up broom, and runs to block rr's way near door.

RW: r' dovid, u shall not pass!

[RR punches, Rw (“oow!”) goes back, swings broom left and right to hit RR, RR kicks, RW knocked around. as RR tries escaping RW sticks broom under – hitting RR back(“ow”), RW swings broom around into RR who blocks it and broom goes flying. RW charges RR, knocking him over table. Cup falls out of rr's hands as he falls. RW bends over (“ouch, my knee.”) to get it as RR (“shreckluch”) scrambles for it. Both reach it and Cup gets shmunched. Both get up in shock. ]

RR: All this over some foam cups.

RW: (slyly) yea, maybe we should settle our differences.

RR: yea. (nods head, chews beard.) we can stop competing. Maybe we can merge our two companies

RW: good idea.

[they shake hands. RR continues walking towards door.}

RW: (glaring) “Not so fast Papperelli!” Do u really think i'd want to work together again?

[RW punches RR, who goes flying and lands unconsciouses]

schw: Hooray! “I'll do the biggest jig in the school! (jigs)

karch: I slowed him down!

THE END

iWhy else would he always show up when people r talking about him?

iiThe school advertised “minimize ur bochur's potential” by accident, but was it a Freudian slip? Only one teacher moved to florida so far, but more probably will. At the time of the shpiel there were no plates, so we had to use bowls, but e/t often runs out during the day.

iiiIf he could run 35mph that's how long it would take.

ivThis whole Minch scenario always happened.